The holidays are here. They seem to have snuck up on us this year, again. What’s that thing parents of toddlers like to say? The years are long, but the days are short. Time has been weird for all of us lately and 2024 is no exception. With another year charged to the max with stress, controversy, division, and burnout for just about every human you meet, seeing family for the holidays might mean stress for some of us. In fact, we polled over 200 people and about 64% indicated that they were either stressed, more stressed than usual specifically because of events in 2024, or a combination of both stressed and happy to be spending time with family during the holidays.
In a time when nostalgia is pulling hard at our heartstrings, telling us that blood is thicker than water and family is everything, playing nice while passing the potatoes, when you know there’s conflict in the air can be a challenge. Whether it’s addressing past misunderstandings, clearing up assumptions, or expressing unmet needs, having tough conversations takes guts. It’s an act that shows integrity and accountability amongst those who love and respect one another. These moments allow us to bridge gaps and nurture relationships authentically. Keep reading for therapist-approved ways to approach these hard conversations with care, including actionable steps to communicate effectively while staying true to your values.
Remember Who You Are
Remember who you and your loved one are. This isn’t just some random person. In a world where we’re all chronically online, whether it’s social media, email, Zoom, texting, or whatever it is…when we get used to connecting with people through a screen and keyboard, we forget that the people with whom we’re connecting are real humans, people we love.
Actionable Step
Be intentional about remembering that the person you’re talking to is someone you know, love, trust, and respect. So, even if the topic is one on which you vehemently disagree, the foundation is one on which you both stand firmly.
Think Before You Speak
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but it goes back to the integrity thing. Just making the choice to have a hard conversation says a lot about both of you. You could both brush this under the rug and pretend everything is fine until inevitably it blows up in your faces. Avoidance is rarely the solution. You’ll either find out they were talking behind your back or vice versa and you’ll wind up resenting one another. Or a heated confrontation will take place at the worst time, and no one wins. Having the tough conversation says you’re both mature and emotionally intelligent enough to talk about big boy and girl things while remaining calm.
Actionable Step
Before you start, ask yourself why it’s important to address the issue. Are you trying to find a resolution, clarity, or are you just looking for validation for hurt feelings or anger? You can share your grievances but be honest with yourself about what you’re planning to say. Is it going to be productive or will it just drive a further wedge between the two of you? Honesty is important and it’s true that sometimes the truth does hurt, but if your truth’s goal is to shame or hurt someone you love, then you’re doing it wrong. If you’ll allow me the cliché, the truth shall set you free, but that doesn’t mean that it should shackle someone else. It helps a lot of people to write your thoughts down before you start the difficult conversation. Writing things down is a great way to check your perspective, make sure that your values are aligned, and process any reactive thoughts that might pop up.
Pick the Right Place and Time
Obviously don’t start something in the middle of holiday dinner with the family. That would lean toward the dramatic end, rather than the productive end of things. Clearing the air and having a difficult conversation is not about being dramatic and causing a scene.
Actionable Step
Aim for a quiet, neutral, and private space if you can. No one likes to be confronted with an audience. Make sure to you state your intentions early. Start by saying something like, “I love you and just want to clear the air.” Make it your own. Anything you can say that lets them know your goal is to strengthen the relationship and if not find mutual understanding, at least find mutual respect and love for one another.
Show Kindness and Empathy
This may be a bit of a double take on the Remember Who You Are heading, but it’s a good one, so we’re OK with repeating it. Showing kindness when having a difficult conversation means not attacking them. Use “I” statements, instead of “the more accusatory “you”. Don’t listen to respond, listen to hear. Remember that you love this person, and they theoretically love you, too. Just because they’ve said or done something you don’t like doesn’t mean they’re a monster who is out to get you. They may have hurt you. But that doesn’t mean that’s the only thing they’ll ever do again. People are imperfect. So are you. People are capable of doing one bad thing and then a thousand good things. So are you.
Actionable Step
If this is a person you love, choose to see the good in them. Even if you don’t agree, acknowledge their feelings to create a foundation of trust upon which the difficult conversation will be carried.
Take Responsibility
If we are to give empathy, we must also give grace. None of us are perfect. We’re only human after all and that means we’re all just faking our way through life hoping we’ll get the important parts right. Sometimes we’ll mess up. That’s OK. Accountability is key.
Actionable Step
Taking responsibility for your mistakes or any contributions you’ve made to a misunderstanding, disagreement, or conflict is a must for true resolution. You don’t have to take all the blame, that’s definitely another topic for another day, but be open and sincere about accepting your share. Then, genuinely show remorse and apologize for any wrongdoing. I don’t know about you, but for me, a real “I’m sorry” from the heart can go a long way when someone is trying to make a mend.
Know When to Pause
It’s been a rough year for a lot of us. Tensions have been even higher than usual for most of us. If you find yourself in a conversation with family or a loved one that’s gotten a bit too heated, it’s OK to take a break and revisit it later. I know, chances are some of you are thinking, “Yeah right, if I try to call a time out with my family in the middle of it, I’ll be laughed/cursed/thrown out of the room.” That’s OK, too. You can only control yourself, not how someone reacts to you. An Irish goodbye is also an option. OK, that last part is a joke.
Actionable Step
Seriously though, give yourself grace. Family get-togethers can be hard on a good day. Tough conversations with family are even harder. You know who you are and showing up authentically can feel impossible. So, give yourself grace along the way and if you need to step away, there is no shame in that. You know your family better than most. So, trust your gut on how to diffuse the situation. The fact that you’re here reading this article means that you’re already doing the work to make things better and ease the tension.
You've Got This
Difficult conversations during the holidays can feel daunting for all of us, but it is an opportunity for growth and connection. Remember that by approaching these moments with integrity and accountability, you’re demonstrating respect for yourself and your loved ones. It takes time, patience, empathy, and grace to move toward meaningful understanding. This season, we hope these tools can help with those tough talks between you and your loved ones, and we know that you have what it takes to navigate them thoughtfully.
To dig even deeper into dealing with political conversations with family during the holidays, check out our founder, Claire Karakey, talking with our local news about this sensitive subject. And of course, don’t hesitate to reach out if you want to talk about anything. We’re here in Scottsdale and we offer online therapy to anyone in the state of Arizona.
