The holidays are here and with every holiday season comes a very specific expectation and message… joy, togetherness, warmth, and celebration for all. From commercials to social media to family traditions, we’re surrounded by the unrelenting narrative that tells us this is the happiest time of the year, a time when we’re supposed to feel grateful, cheerful, and emotionally available.
But the reality is far more complex. For a lot of people, especially those navigating depression, anxiety, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), grief, trauma, or simply burnout, this season can feel really heavy. And the pressure to “be merry” only makes that weight harder to carry. The truth we want to share today is simple. It’s okay not to feel festive – and if you don’t, you’re not alone.
The Holiday Happiness Myth
Society tells us a very curated story about what the holidays “should” feel like. We see it on TV, in movies, on commercials, on social media, billboards, in ads, basically every place you look – it’s inescapable. You’re expected to show up to gatherings with a smile, give thoughtful gifts, be energized, look your best, soak in the magic, and evidently, we’re all still surprising our spouses with brand new cars. So, what happens when your personal experience doesn’t match that ideal picture of a perfect holiday season? Shame, guilt, anxiety, and lower self-esteem can creep in.
This isn’t rare, either. In fact, mental health professionals consistently see spikes in struggles during the holiday months. A recent survey found that 61% of Americans expect to feel loneliness or sadness this season, and 67% anticipate holiday-related anxiety or stress. The National Alliance on Mental Illness has also reported that 64% of people living with a mental illness say their symptoms worsen during the holidays. So, if you’re not feeling merry, you’re in good company.
Why the Holidays Can Feel Especially Hard
Heightened Stress and Expectations
Holiday stress isn’t just a cliché. Between finances, gatherings, travel, disrupted routines, and family dynamics, emotional load increases for most people. Johns Hopkins Medicine notes that holiday expectations alone can significantly increase anxiety and stress levels. On top of everyday responsibilities, many people feel pressured to act happy… to be “on,” even when they’re exhausted or struggling internally. That performance can be draining.
Seasonal Changes and SAD
For some, the winter months bring real biological shifts. Less daylight impacts the body’s internal clock and changes serotonin and melatonin levels. This can trigger Seasonal Affective Disorder, a form of depression with symptoms like fatigue, low mood, irritability, and social withdrawal. The Mayo Clinic outlines how SAD often emerges in late fall and lasts through winter.
Grief, Trauma, and Emotional Triggers
Holidays often stir emotions connected to the past… sometimes joyful, sometimes painful. We talked about this in a recent blog, Understanding Trauma Triggers: Preparing for the Holiday Season Ahead. We covered how this season can surface memories, unresolved conflicts, and feelings of unsafety. For trauma survivors, this time of year can be overwhelming.
The same is true for grief. Our blog on handling grief during the holidays talks about how the U.S. is grief-illiterate, uncomfortable discussing loss, unsure how to support others, and often quick to brush uncomfortable emotions under the rug. The holidays can intensify grief and be a cruel reminder of who’s missing or how life has changed while the world around us insists on joy-only messaging. That brings us to another problem…
When Holiday Cheer Turns into Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity shows up when people insist on positive emotions while ignoring or dismissing uncomfortable, painful, or complex ones. We go into this in more detail in out blog, When Looking at the Bright Side Becomes “Toxic Positivity”. We dive into how this mindset invalidates genuine experiences and pressures people to hide their real emotional state.
During the holidays, toxic positivity might sound like:
- “Just be grateful. Plenty of people have it worse.”
- “Come on, it’s the holidays! Cheer up.”
- “Don’t bring the mood down.”
While often well-intentioned, these comments can make people feel unseen or silenced. Real human stories – grief, stress, trauma, anxiety, depression – don’t simply disappear in December.
What It Feels Like to Struggle During the Holidays
Someone dealing with depression may feel disconnected from the warmth around them. Someone with anxiety might find gatherings overstimulating or overwhelming. Someone grieving may feel the empty chair at the table more acutely. And someone with trauma might find certain traditions triggering rather than comforting.
We’re not trying to bum anyone out. We know that for a lot of people the holidays are a happy time, but taking the time to see the world from the perspective of someone who might not share your same outlook is how we develop empathy. When the outside world says, “this is the happiest time of the year,” but your heart, mind, emotions, circumstances, or gut says otherwise, the contrast can be painful. You are not broken. You are human.
It’s OK to Say No – Setting Boundaries During the Holidays
Here’s something many people need permission to hear:
You do not have to attend every gathering or perform holiday cheer. You do not owe anyone your emotional state.
If you need space this year, you have options:
Say No Without Apology
Boundaries are healthy, not selfish. A simple boundary might sound like:
- “I’m not up for a big event this year but thank you for thinking of me.”
- “I’m taking care of my mental health and won’t make it tonight.”
- “I’ll be keeping the holidays small and quiet this year.”
- “No. Thank you for the invite though!”
Limit Time Instead of Skipping Completely
If you feel obligated but overwhelmed, plan a short appearance: 30 minutes, one hour, or just enough time to check in. Give yourself permission to step out early. Now is as good a time as any to practice the ol’ Irish Goodbye.
Keep Your Routine Where You Can
Disrupted sleep, skipped meals, lack of exercise, or missed therapy sessions can make symptoms worse. Doing what your mind and body already knows can help you feel grounded.
Lean on Support Systems
Reach out to a friend, therapist, or trusted person who can validate what you’re feeling. SAMHSA offers a helpful list of holiday mental-health resources.
You Don’t Have to Feel Merry to Be Worthy of Care
The holidays don’t need you to perform happiness. Authenticity matters more than appearance. Whether you’re navigating grief, trauma, sadness, exhaustion, or simply just don’t feel like being festive, your emotional experience is valid. This world is not an easy place.
This season, give yourself permission to be exactly where you are, without guilt, without pressure, without forcing a smile.
You don’t need to be merry to be meaningful.
If the holidays feel heavy this year, you deserve compassion, support, and room to breathe. If you need help, we’re here. We have appointments available at our Scottsdale location or online for anyone in the state of Arizona… no fake joy required.
